I had a major problem getting my son to eat sufficient food to put on weight - and to continue to put on weight gradually (as stated in the NHS NICE guidelines). My son now had control of most of his eating; I was only permitted to prepare the evening meal. The idea was that if he continued to lose weight then I would get control back. The trouble was that he would lose weight a few weeks on the trot, and then put a little back on which meant he kept control of his own eating.
Yes the charts may have been showing an overall weight increase by this point but, as I say below, this was because of the weeks where I had control of the eating - the weeks when I'd managed to get quite a bit of weight back onto my son before 'mum's eating plan' was withdrawn.
I felt really alone. My husband was working away much of the time and, as can be seen below, it was really hard to get hold of anyone from CAMHS to voice my concerns. The only opportunities I got was when Ben was present, which was far, far from ideal.
Also, over the next 8 or 9 months, my dad would get increasingly sick, eventually passing away in February 2011, so there was all the stress of having to deal with that on top.
Not a great time... and it was about to get worse...
Definitely been 4 days of "several steps backwards" in the Matty household, starting with lunch at the (new) CAMHS Anxiety Group on Friday (2 bites out of a sandwich = his lunch), followed by cutting back all day on Sat because of a huge Indian party in the evening when in fact he ate virtually nothing despite being "encouraged" to do so by our poor hosts who had no idea what was preventing him from tucking in to their incredible food, followed by more cut-backs on Sunday and a MASSIVE OUTBURST of angst and distress followed by more of the same today.
I said (which I probably shouldn't have): "Will you promise me something? When you're a man and you're through this and you look back and realise how much you hurt me and your dad, will you come back and say sorry?" Reaction? Bashing around the house, shouting like an animal and swearing - like he used to do in late winter. Oh, and he's continuing to lose weight yet CAMHS still insist he needs to take responsibility for his own food (except evening meals which I do).
Oh, and my 88 year old Dad was rushed into hospital on Friday night extremely ill and is still there, so I'm stressing out on that count too. But the eating disorder, of course, as we all know, is incredibly selfish and self-centred and doesn't give a d*mn about the fact I'm heartbroken that my beloved Dad might pass away...
Ah well, that's the eating disorder for you...
And...
Thanks, everyone. I weighed my son this morning and he's hovering around the same weight. But he and I are working towards INCREASING his intake, with me (hopefully) winning him over to the idea that I need to keep a FIRM EYE on his intake, that he needs to INCREASE his intake and if he loses weight, then it's back to the eating plan with a vengeance - DESPITE what the CAMHS team says ("The psychiatrist is a psychiatrist, not a dietitian" I tell him). If he doesn't regain weight, I also say, he won't lose these eating disorder thoughts and behaviours and it could also affect whether he returns to school in September (which he is very keen to do).
But I can't help thinking, it's like a Merry-go-Round where I keep coming back to the same point over and over again, but not really getting anywhere at all.
No news on Dad yet - will get his test result this afternoon.
And...
Trouble is, as we all well know, we may be the ideal captains for the ship but will our children listen to us 'mere parents'? If nothing else, the 'professionals' are almost like school teachers in that our children are more likely to listen to them. The trick, of course, is to make sure those professionals say what your gut instincts want them to say.
Actually, if anyone has any TOP TIPS on how to get our teenagers listening to what we say without biting our heads off or refusing point blank to listen, I'd welcome them!!!! Hey ho...
And...
Meanwhile he's been ranting and raving this lunchtime, crashing around, animal shouting, tears, tantrums and threatening to kill himself - all because of a chicken and avocado sandwich followed by tonight's meal which will be pork meatballs with Parmesan cheese, pasta and tomato sauce.
I rang CAMHS, but they're all in meetings. I rang his Dad who had a long chat with him on the phone. I said "This time I'm taking full control over your eating... from tomorrow... it's back to the calorie counting", with him then refusing to do so accusing me of "Ruining his life" and refusing point blank to eat ANYTHING. So definitely feeling we're on a Merry-Go-Round, always coming back to the same place - and to think it's almost our first anniversary of the eating disorder nudging its way into our lives... Hey ho, time to pop another couple of "Mothers Little Helper" pills (that's for me, he refuses to take medication point blank).
Oh and I used the threat of NO SCHOOL PROM - I can get a refund on that suit as it still has the labels on it. I anticipate a big drive from him to LOSE WEIGHT in time for the prom... already that suit hangs off him...
And...
I am not negotiating with the eating disorder - have told son I can return his suit to M&S on the day of the prom if necessary. Ideally I wouldn't send him to the prom but he was so insistent as "everyone in the year is going" etc etc. I've stated that he needs to gain half a kg a week, no negotiation, until we get proper weight restoration which is higher than the "vague" target CAMHS have never set us.
This time I am setting it. Another condition if he doesn't play ball is no 6th form in September, instead he'll take the year off and go in a year late with the year below. If he DOES play ball he'll get his Xbox mended at long last plus other bribes.
We are still on for the meatballs and he did eat his sandwich in the end after I pretended I was you, Charlotte, asking myself how you would respond / behave!!!! You wouldn't stand for any nonsense, I am sure - visions of a kind of Boadicea character charging against the eating disorder in your chariot, swords a-blazing. And it worked, because he ate the sandwich and I laid down new ground rules, non-negotiation-style, afterwards.
And...
Meanwhile I'm back from our weekly CAMHS session and son has LOST 0.8kg so I said to the psychiatrist: "My son has consistently lost weight, week on week, and this is supposed to be a weight gain diet not a weight loss diet. How much weight does he have to lose before CAMHS sweep in and do something about it?" to which she said "I'd like him to continue taking control of his own eating; he's doing so well and the general trend is weight increase, so I'm not unduly concerned. If he continues to lose loads of weight, then I might be concerned" to which I said "The only reason there's a trend towards weight increase is because of the weeks I spent controlling the eating plan which is when he gained weight. During the whole period that he's been in control he's only gained weight once. Also, I'd like to aim at a higher target weight of XX-XXkg" to which she said "Where did you get that figure from? We're happy with the XX-XXkg 'tramlines' the dietitian set" to which I said "This is a figure based on height / weight plans and also because in September he plans to take up rugby again and wouldn't be able to do it with his present build; it is also based on how he used to be before anorexia kicked in" to which she produced her own height / weight chart to prove that I was wrong... And all in front of my son who was LOVING the triangulation because she was saying exactly what he wanted to hear and making 'baddie' mum look pretty darn stupid.
No comment.
And...
After a lot of hard thinking this weekend, I've made the decision that this week is the week we drive forward towards our destination rather than pointlessly and endlessly driving round and round the block. I have formulated A Plan which aims at ironing out all those niggly areas where I wasn't doing so well as a parent of an eating disordered child.
The Good News is that son has said the psychiatrist has said this week is his Last Chance to put on some serious weight before the Eating Plan kicks back in - and he knows it. But he has said it won't kick back in as he WILL put on weight. Not convinced... not convinced at all... and in a way hoping he will lose again so the psych supports me this time round and we're all on the same page for a change.
And...
Can't get hold of the psychiatrist... May have to do with the 'family meeting' next week if I can't pin her down before then... Meanwhile my son is having a quick weigh-in this Thursday.
He bites my head off when I try to find out what he's been eating (exact quantities) - like the eating disorder beast screaming at me to back off... But today I decided I needed to keep a tab of EXACTLY what's going into him, calories-wise, and so far it's under X,XXX a day. But he went crazy when I challenged him about it.
I DO believe the pscychiatrist will let me take back control if Ben has lost weight again this week.
I am fighting, ladies...
PS (later) I've laid the cards on the table with Ben and told him that he has approx 10 weeks to go until school begins and the 6th form. At 0.5kg gain per week, he could get to XX kg if he starts now.
If, when CAMHS reinstate the eating plan when he's lost yet more weight this Thursday, he fails to stick to X,XXX cals per day, putting on this 0.5kg a week, and fails to get to a min of XXkg ("fat" as he calls it) by 1st September he won't go into the 6th form, he will take a year out and join the year below in the 6th form in 2011.
So he said in that case he won't go back to school ever again, at all. He admitted that he simply does not want to put on weight and said CAMHS would accuse me of being the 'baddie' again (i.e. CAMHS is on his side, Big Bad Mum is not).
So I said school or not (and 'not' would mean having to get a job because I'm not supporting him) that weight restoration is not negotiable. The road to weight restoration can either be slow and gruelling over many months, going round in circles, just as we are now, with no school and no future... OR he can do it the easy way and stick to the eating plan, as outlined, go into the 6th form (which in reality he longs to do) and go to university to do history (which he also longs to do). But either way the goal is weight restoration whether he likes it or not.
He is not speaking to me now and looking forward to his buddies at CAMHS telling me off. (He says "I'm going to tell the psychiatrist about you!," primary school style...)
I am at my wits end. I really don't believe he will go for the eating plan and will continue to lose weight until we're back at Square One... or worse...
Still trying to get hold of psychiatrist for a private meeting... have written up my notes now based on all the above advice...
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